So Chem is a compulsory subject in our school that everyone of us should take for o levels. and thats how i had chem in sec 3. Throughout my upper sec life of studying chem, i always failed chem. it started with 47 then 44 then 38 in mye in sec 4. 38 is the worst mark in a official school examination like mye/eoy i ever get in the whole of my entire sec school life and i guess it was the 3 in the front that made me lose hope for it. Maybe i lacked the experience of doing exceptionally badly in subjects and it sort of demotivated me. i rmbed me laughing at my grade again, as i failed it, and got a worse mark. i rmbed that i could not focus during the mass checking session because i do not understand the mistakes i made. however, i too remembered, during the mastery test at the start of the year, i did exceptionally well for chem. it was a 66 , and i was shocked by it. it was one of the factor that caused my hesistation in dropping the subject. yet, i still dropped it. i remembered me collecting all my hopes and confidence after 38 and decided to be consistent in chem consul in the future. well, i failed myself. i dropped it mainly because of the fear of the grade ruining my olvl cert. ^(i realised that having an absent there would never be much better though) i dropped it also because of the fear of the mysterious bell curve. since i was really behind in my cohort, i thought that it will be the same in that bell curve. i dropped it because i decided that i still have other subjects like chum at the edge of the cliff and maths that can be mysteriously unstable at times and bio that is always average and not improving. I also dropped it after reading over and over a Chinese text of knowing the time to 舍弃 is impt. i also dropped it because i thought that 83+ days to the first olvl paper will be arriving very fast.
in the end, i spent 2months mourning for chem and yah. i could have spent the 2 months studying for it. things are really bad and i broke down terribly in front of deepasre ^so glad she was there and we sat at the 5th floor stairwell and I just could not stop my mucus and tears and regretness
I am typing this on the bus after a math olvl 1november when the others are frantically preparing for their Chem paper 2 afterwards. sometimes I asks myself, will I do better emotionally and academically if I don't drop? motivational quotes coming in my way become an eyesore after dropping and sarcasm was all I felt in them. 'do not underestimate luck' will be one simple one for me to link it with my luck for mcq Chem paper 1 when I only get 12/40 without guessing any answers without thinking. what if I get 22/40 ? I would be near to a pass! or "sec 4s, this is the final lap, do your best" and others
yes, I felt horrigible dropping Chem as I realised I hypnotize myself into liking the subject somehow. and I still feel terrible for that.
my excuses to my friends when they asked me if I wanted to drop were linked to my guilt to the teacher (which is actually not, I realised. it is a guilt to myself.) I actually really hate to give up, ESP for sth that I had the responsibility for it at the start. I come to realise that a lot right after dropping. I vow not to do that again :(
right not I'm sitting at the bus stop of my stop and I will continue to vent after olvls at 18nov. I hope I will do chem proud by showing it that I can do better after dropping it.
2 Nov. well, guess what , they said chem was really easy yesterday.
5 Nov. sometimes I wonder, I might be able to manage chem well with other subjects, or even better.
sometimes I also wonder, if I did ask her if she has faith in me, and if her reply was yes, I would definitely press on
but I didn't
so she didnt
so I didnt.
but I didn't
so she didnt
so I didnt.
if I become like her one day, I must not wait for them to ask me but tell them before they even thought of asking me .
I shall work harder for my remaining papers. lit, Chinese, lit, bio.
Olvls ended on 18nov with bio mcq . theres a column on the otas sheet for examiner to indicate if the student withdrawn or absent. I wonder if they will write withdrawn or absent on my results slip. oh well, they are both equally ugly on it.